Do you wonder who your coworkers most resemble? Have you considered that you sit in a cubicle zoo, not an office space?

The Cheetah: Fast, sleek, but like the name says, a cheata. This is the just a touch too slick sales guy who slips in and out of the office in record time avoiding office time with the boss. He is likely to have a gym membership and use it . . . that’s where he picks up some of his “clients.” He does enough very well and covers up the rest with such charm you never know what hits you. If you are down-to-earth, you inherently distrust him when you first meet him, but somehow you walk away thinking that you may be wrong. Nope, he’s just that smooth.

The Penguin: Loyal, formal, rounded and grounded. Every office needs a Penguin. Penguins remember what happened in the company last year and 20 years ago like it was yesterday. They are excellent for institutional knowledge. They are also not likely to go anywhere until you push them out the door. They are NOT sales people. Stable people in stable positions - accounting back office, administrative assistants . . . they are also likely to have 10 pictures of their grandchildren on their desks. You may have to request they remove excessive crayon renderings of Sponge Bob. They are usually inexpensive, hold vast quantities of institutional knowledge and are easy to keep around. May or may not be particularly effective at their stated jobs.

The Ostrich: Curious creatures, the ostrich is a funny looking zoo member. Always on the go, flitting about as though there is a great rush to get something done, yet, doesn’t manage to produce much. The ostrich constantly looks busy and hides his head when trouble approaches. Perfectly content to maintain the status quo, ostriches can not comprehend what you tell them when you ask them to do something new. It is remarkable. How they ever learned how to drive a car is beyond me. . . . They probably didn’t learn it well so avoid parking near them.

The Crocodile: Lies in wait ready to chomp you. This is the best personality to guard the CEO’s door. The Croc feeds on mammals large and small if they get too close, but isn’t trying to cause any harm. They are testy, do not poke with a stick . . . ever. This is a lousy person to be near on a cube farm. Crocodiles should be in positions with enough importance that they are away from everyone else, mostly for the safety of everyone else. Crocs are there to guard not produce.

The Python: run, run fast if you have one of these. Pythons slither about indiscriminately sucking the life out of whomever, whenever. At first you think he’s a cheetah, but cheetah only kill those who are weaker and in their way. Pythons kill for pleasure. They are slick, slippery and very, very strong. Pythons end up in positions of power because they “kill” off those above them. Unrepentant about sabotage, nothing can impede a python’s path; he knows he can choke the life out of you eventually. If you think you have a python on your staff, get him transferred away from you asap.

Your corporate board? Probably Monkeys. Scared little monkeys flinging sh*t at each other.

Victor Kipling prefers Rat, Chameleon, Peacock, Bear, Rabbit, Lion and Lemur for his assorted cubicle zoo.

A little old fashioned office etiquette for making introductions, particularly outside the office. Be careful in making introductions. It is easier to evade than to cause disagreeable complications. It is unpardonable to introduce one party to another after having been warned not to do so. Board Members can be particularly tricky about remaining anonymous with employees of the organization, be aware.

Forgetting a person’s name when about to introduce is awkward; when it does happen, apologize and ask for the name. It is also acceptable to request the other to, “Remind me of your full name.” In some circles this implies you remember the person’s name, but need help with the full name . . . few people are fooled by this, but it is polite. If you have had to ask the same person for his or her “full name” at more than one occasion in the past year, you have failed yourself with poor form. Get a course to remember names and study it. Daily. Until you get it.

If a person fails to hear the name, it is proper to inform the one to whom you are introduced and to say: “Pardon me, but I failed to hear your name.” In making introductions one should distinctly pronounce the names.

Men should always be introduced to women, the younger to an elder person, and if a purely social situation, unmarried persons to the married.

When an introduction occurs, future recognition is not warranted. For this reason great care should be exercised at entertainments that only those who are congenial to each other should be brought together. At small gatherings it is more appropriate to introduce. When many are present, it is not necessary to do so.

It is quite proper to introduce one group to another without formality at any sports function. Such introductions need not imply further acquaintance if undesirable.

Step 1: Consider your case.

What have you really done this past year? Did you drive more profit to the bottom line in a meaningful way? Did you suss-out a production inefficiency that has saved your company thousands/millions of dollars? Did you introduce your Boss or Boss’s boss to a premier customer with whom your company now does business? These are the kinds of things to consider. What have you REALLY done that goes beyond showing up for work sober. You DID show up for work sober, right?

Step 2: Begin to Prepare your case.

This is a finer comb activity. This is where years of experience playing chess may net you a nice bag-o-coin, but fret not, you navigate situations like this all the time. To wit, you navigate a freeway all the time (probably). This is just like that. On the freeway you have to avoid the crazy, angry drivers (my father) who cut you off/curse/slow/speed-up at whim, the half blind drivers (my grandfather, who is now no longer driving thankfully) who don’t mean to cause trouble, but can’t really comprehend (due to physical and visual limitations, not competence issues) moving at the speed of the rest of the traffic and aren’t really willing to try, and last but not least, the incompetent drivers - I don’t know what their motivations are, but avoid them. All this, plus you must move your body as quickly as possible to your destination safely. In some cases you dodge, others you may have to weave, but in all cases, you must keep going forward. Right?

Okay, so the destination is your raise/bonus. It is your responsibility to get everyone (all the drivers) to your destination. Which driver is your boss like? Who is in front of him? If your boss is an angry driver and his boss is a grandpa driver then you have a hot head stuck behind a slow poke. Yes? If you give the hot head room to maneuver around the slow poke, that will dissipate some of the angry driver’s energy and he’ll be kinder to you, the helpful driver.

This would be akin to you introducing your boss to a key customer that will give your boss a chance at a big promotion himself. Make sense? Since you’ve played the helpful driver, you can show your boss how you helped him meet “key customer” and that has opened up “door x” to “promotion y” for him. Do this subtly to avoid being tacky.

What if your boss is grandpa? Show him how you helped him stay safe by shielding him from the angry drivers. This would be along the lines of you taking on an extra assignment that his boss was throwing down the line of command; you working on and completing that job quickly, without need for supervision or direction from your boss so your boss’s boss is happy and your boss isn’t burdened with extra duties.

In essence, how have you worked WITH your boss (even if you think he’s a stinking rat fink) to make his/her life easier? Demonstrate that in your request for the raise. Do not expect your boss to remember every detail - to him, to her it was probably of very little consequence. Be succinct. Be clear. Tell the relevant details, get the memories going, make him feel good about how useful, helpful, productive you are and THEN ask for the raise.

Position yourself.

Step 3: Have a non-company mentor review your request.

Always put your request in writing so you can fully frame what you want to say and how you will say it, answer questions, respond to push-back. You may deliver orally, but be prepared in writing. Your boss may actually ask you to submit a paper request - sometimes as a stalling technique, sometimes for official documentation, sometimes just so she doesn’t forget you’ve made the request (me!). This request can be reviewed by your mentor for tactical opportunities, logic and relevance. If you have chosen a mentor in the same industry retired or with another company, she may know things about your company that can help you with your raise request (your Co. is about to win a big contract, your Co. President just lost 1/2 of this year’s earnings on a trip to Vegas, etc.). Do ask her to review your request.

Step 4: Practice, practice, practice.

Business is about presentation. We are constantly marketing ourselves, our product, our service, etc. just to keep the doors open. Embrace it. The better you do with fundamental activities, the higher you will rise. Practice how you will talk to your boss, your responses to questions, your tone of voice. Do it. Seriously. Make it natural. Confidence is earned through mastery of fundamentals - you cannot fake confidence.

If your boss sees you making a very natural request for a raise, he’s more inclined to give it to you.

Step 5: Go for it!

Ask your boss for a meeting time and then make your pitch. Be prepared. Good luck!

So your holiday bills are rolling in and you realize, dang, I need some cash, FAST! Maybe your boss will give you a bonus, right? Well probably not, if all you have to back you is your need. What have you done for your boss lately?

If you have been working diligently - making your boss’ life easier, then you have a fighting chance. However, if you’ve been goofing off or distracted, do not go ask for a raise! In most cases the, “It never hurts to ask,” mentality is good, but when it comes to getting your manager to part with a few pennies . . .

The logic is this: you have a finite number of opportunities each year to request an upgrade, i.e. a bonus. If you squander those opportunities, well, you are totally out-of-luck no matter how great you are. There is a certain seasonality to the process. February - just after the books for last year are closed and your boss knows if there’s some extra cash. July - as your boss budgets for the forthcoming year and enjoys the Northern hemisphere summer, and late-October as your boss’ College Football team is heading for a National Title (a few weeks later if NFL fans). Sure, it seems ridiculous, but there are generousity spikes at those times during the year. I studied and put that very information to use myself while running a not-for-profit years back, grew our donations 5000%, seriously. . . .

But here’s the catch. You have to have been extraordinarily productive in the months just prior to the request or your opportunity is null and void. You will be much less successful (i.e. fail) if you’ve been slacking off just prior to one of these “generousity inflection points,” GIPs. To maximize your GIP potential, work your tushie off for the 2+ months prior to the GIP. For the February GIP, make sure you work extra hard December and January. Got it?

Of course what I really advocate is working your tushie off, excelling beyond comprehension ALL THE TIME, but if you’re one of those folks who has to pace himself, well, use the GIP guide.

So what do you do if a GIP is not soon enough or you know you have to wait out this GIP? First, become very aware of what your boss needs so that she looks awesome to her boss. Second, do it, or at least help her do it. Find a way to insert yourself into your boss’ career path so she can’t help but appreciate you. Avoid passive-aggressive tendencies . . . if you are helping her, do it without expectation of gratification.. You are creating the foundation from which you will be able to approach her for more: money, time, responsibility later.

Go forth and be prosperous!

Can PokeyOs ice cream sandwiches save the day?

So sometimes it makes more sense to NOT have alcohol at your company function . . . Particularly if someone on your team is a recovering alcoholic or the party is mid-day and you actually want to get work done after the party. No one ever called me cool.

So what’s a company function without a treat that can knock you on your arse? Well, pretty dull. So try Ice Cream sandwiches instead. Take 2 super fresh cookies and a scoop of ice cream and voila! you have a decadent treat. Even the lactose intolerant can have the cookies so it ends up being a crowd pleaser and if you’re the boss, less likely to get you sued should someone veer off-road on the way home….

I got the idea to host our party with PokeyOs from a friend: Kate suggests PokeyOs. Since you probably don’t have one near you, check out the site and copy the concept. It’s super simple. For best results, find a local baker or order from PokeyOs online to get the cookies, ice cream in the feezer case at your grocer and you are all set. You’ll also save a bundle on the party expense versus the booze bash. Two fresh cookies, one scoop of ice cream, could it get any easier?

Pros:
No alcohol-induced hanky-panky
NO DWI incidents
Super simple
Crowd Pleaser
Keeps folks productive

Cons:
If consummed too quickly can cause ice cream headache . . .

Personal Budget Day 3 is where it all comes together. You know the terms, now get down with the concepts. Shake your tail and you could be feeling filthy rich by this time next year.

Don’t forget to be nice to your cube neighbors before you go. That way they’ll come work for you when  . . .

Personal Budget, Day 3 - get some.

Play Instant Chess, because all the cool kids do it. Okay, I know that as a big advocate for doing work at work and play NOT at work, this may seem . . . inappropriate. But hang with me.

My cousin, at the tender age of 8, was some grand whizzy, super-fly something or other in the Chess World. Besting the best in Massachusettes and elsewhere he had good “game” as some might say. I however was not included in the family chess-learning activities and have been sore about it ever since.

Well, Chess is an excellent strategy game AND it really does show how another person processes information. What I am finding as I study former employees, future employees and my compatriots is that a quick game of chess can give a good barometer of my competitor’s capabilities off the chess board. It has been remarkably accurate with predicting say a certain someone’s tendancy to give up or another’s procrastination and yet another’s devious genius.

Best of all, if the player has some experience you will immediately learn if they prefer to be defensive or offensive. Who do you want in accounting? Probably a defensive. Who do you want in sales? Probably an offensive.

The best part is, you really do not need to be a great player to see this unfold. I recommend adding a quick chess game to hiring practices. People reveal more about themselves to the keen observer than they may realize.

So play Instant Chess on Miss Mentor and get your game on folks!

Workplace relationships part 2 provides some insight to the economic consequences of opening up in the office environment. Can being social help you or hurt you? With an ever blurring line between work time and play time, how do you know what is taboo?

Check out workplace relationships - the economic consequences.

Calling all cube dwellers! Make a comment win a resume makeover!

Share your opinion on the current topic of the week: non-romantic workplace relationships.

Do you get along with your boss socially? Your peers? Is it moving you forward at work? Backward?

Does it matter if the boss is male and the employee is female? What if the boss is female and the employee male?

One randomly selected comment will win a 45 minute coverletter makeover including cover letter software for no charge from Miss Mentor personally.

And I’m not even talking about romantic workplace relationships! An astute reader pointed out a problem with my advice to Anita regarding her male boss requesting one-on-one after work social time. (See Cubicle Etiquette - Your Boss the Perp)

His point gets at the crux of difficulties many women face in career advancement - the informal power structure. This is not something that can be done with brute force, you have to be INVITED to play. It can be the most unnerving aspect of career advancement and for many women the glass ceiling.

Come on, share your two cents on workplace relationships.