A lighter side to cubicle etiquette today. If you haven’t discovered hulu.com, go, watch . . . just not during work hours.
SNL’s version of a cubicle fight. It’s PG-13 for violence, but perhaps something you’ve considered.
Do you wonder who your coworkers most resemble? Have you considered that you sit in a cubicle zoo, not an office space?
The Cheetah: Fast, sleek, but like the name says, a cheata. This is the just a touch too slick sales guy who slips in and out of the office in record time avoiding office time with the boss. He is likely to have a gym membership and use it . . . that’s where he picks up some of his “clients.” He does enough very well and covers up the rest with such charm you never know what hits you. If you are down-to-earth, you inherently distrust him when you first meet him, but somehow you walk away thinking that you may be wrong. Nope, he’s just that smooth.
The Penguin: Loyal, formal, rounded and grounded. Every office needs a Penguin. Penguins remember what happened in the company last year and 20 years ago like it was yesterday. They are excellent for institutional knowledge. They are also not likely to go anywhere until you push them out the door. They are NOT sales people. Stable people in stable positions - accounting back office, administrative assistants . . . they are also likely to have 10 pictures of their grandchildren on their desks. You may have to request they remove excessive crayon renderings of Sponge Bob. They are usually inexpensive, hold vast quantities of institutional knowledge and are easy to keep around. May or may not be particularly effective at their stated jobs.
The Ostrich: Curious creatures, the ostrich is a funny looking zoo member. Always on the go, flitting about as though there is a great rush to get something done, yet, doesn’t manage to produce much. The ostrich constantly looks busy and hides his head when trouble approaches. Perfectly content to maintain the status quo, ostriches can not comprehend what you tell them when you ask them to do something new. It is remarkable. How they ever learned how to drive a car is beyond me. . . . They probably didn’t learn it well so avoid parking near them.
The Crocodile: Lies in wait ready to chomp you. This is the best personality to guard the CEO’s door. The Croc feeds on mammals large and small if they get too close, but isn’t trying to cause any harm. They are testy, do not poke with a stick . . . ever. This is a lousy person to be near on a cube farm. Crocodiles should be in positions with enough importance that they are away from everyone else, mostly for the safety of everyone else. Crocs are there to guard not produce.
The Python: run, run fast if you have one of these. Pythons slither about indiscriminately sucking the life out of whomever, whenever. At first you think he’s a cheetah, but cheetah only kill those who are weaker and in their way. Pythons kill for pleasure. They are slick, slippery and very, very strong. Pythons end up in positions of power because they “kill” off those above them. Unrepentant about sabotage, nothing can impede a python’s path; he knows he can choke the life out of you eventually. If you think you have a python on your staff, get him transferred away from you asap.
Your corporate board? Probably Monkeys. Scared little monkeys flinging sh*t at each other.
Victor Kipling prefers Rat, Chameleon, Peacock, Bear, Rabbit, Lion and Lemur for his assorted cubicle zoo.
So your holiday bills are rolling in and you realize, dang, I need some cash, FAST! Maybe your boss will give you a bonus, right? Well probably not, if all you have to back you is your need. What have you done for your boss lately?
If you have been working diligently - making your boss’ life easier, then you have a fighting chance. However, if you’ve been goofing off or distracted, do not go ask for a raise! In most cases the, “It never hurts to ask,” mentality is good, but when it comes to getting your manager to part with a few pennies . . .
The logic is this: you have a finite number of opportunities each year to request an upgrade, i.e. a bonus. If you squander those opportunities, well, you are totally out-of-luck no matter how great you are. There is a certain seasonality to the process. February - just after the books for last year are closed and your boss knows if there’s some extra cash. July - as your boss budgets for the forthcoming year and enjoys the Northern hemisphere summer, and late-October as your boss’ College Football team is heading for a National Title (a few weeks later if NFL fans). Sure, it seems ridiculous, but there are generousity spikes at those times during the year. I studied and put that very information to use myself while running a not-for-profit years back, grew our donations 5000%, seriously. . . .
But here’s the catch. You have to have been extraordinarily productive in the months just prior to the request or your opportunity is null and void. You will be much less successful (i.e. fail) if you’ve been slacking off just prior to one of these “generousity inflection points,” GIPs. To maximize your GIP potential, work your tushie off for the 2+ months prior to the GIP. For the February GIP, make sure you work extra hard December and January. Got it?
Of course what I really advocate is working your tushie off, excelling beyond comprehension ALL THE TIME, but if you’re one of those folks who has to pace himself, well, use the GIP guide.
So what do you do if a GIP is not soon enough or you know you have to wait out this GIP? First, become very aware of what your boss needs so that she looks awesome to her boss. Second, do it, or at least help her do it. Find a way to insert yourself into your boss’ career path so she can’t help but appreciate you. Avoid passive-aggressive tendencies . . . if you are helping her, do it without expectation of gratification.. You are creating the foundation from which you will be able to approach her for more: money, time, responsibility later.
Go forth and be prosperous!
Office Etiquette - the office party . . . who you bring.
This may sound a bit prudish and perhaps even anal-retentive, but you really need to know this. Follow the office party invitation instructions precisely. That means, unless it states that guests are welcome . . . Guests are NOT welcome, even your spouse who knows everybody and is looking forward to seeing them.
There are many reasons the guest list may be limited and it really isn’t for you to figure out. Just play along nicely and no one gets hurt. Sure your spouse may get his feelings hurt, but you guys can always host your own party. This is an official company function and planning decisions have been made. Respect those decisions. The consequences for disrespecting the decision may not be immediately apparent, but you will no doubt leave an impression on the internal planner of the event - who may have more sway with upper management than you imagine.
It’s kind of like a wedding. Would you show up with a guest if you weren’t “and guest”ed on the invitation? (say no, please say no!!)
Exactly (you did say no, right??)
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Office Party Etiquette - because you really do need your job.
Tempting though it is to tell your boss what a #*#B*ing bleep he is, that’s not the spirit of the season, and you probably want to have your job tomorrow . . . and the next day, particularly if you are planning to pay your holiday bills. You DO plan to pay your holiday bills don’t you??
Fine, fine.
So this week and next we will share so tips to navigate the tricky waters of Holiday Office Parties. Because Office Etiquette doesn’t stop at 5PM.
Tip #1: Do NOT, under any circumstances bring the guy/girl you shacked up with for the first time this past weekend, or worse, last night. This will seem blindingly obvious to most of my readers, but enough of you . . .
Here’s the scoop. That random hook-up and your office do not mix.
1. He/She is probably not nearly as cute as you remember (or don’t remember as the case may be).
2. He/She may not be the best behaved in public situations - remember his/her job is not at stake at YOUR office party.
3. He/She may not have that much interest in you - this one can sting the most - imagine, your office frenemy hooks up with your date. Really bad form and dare I say, bad office etiquette on behalf of your frenemy, but you brought in the fresh meat…. Your own fault.
4. He/She won’t agree to tell everyone that you’ve been seeing each other for a month and instead tells everyone about your sloppy kissing technique - you will be forever renamed “Soupy,” even by your boss. Promotion chance - for the guys, probably up; for the girls, decidedly down.
Tomorrow: what you CAN do with a copy machine and a pint of Tequila.
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Is anyone around you talking about her fabulous 401k? Oh and she’s paid off all her credit card debt? What’s that you say, she’s buying a new house now . . .Feeling left behind? Hey, no sweat. We’ll get you up to speed in no time. If you kind of, sort of know what she’s talking about, great! Give the Financial Terms Dictionary
a quick review. If you know what she is talking and are ready to dig in, start with
Wealth Building Tip #1. You can review the Financial terms at anytime.
Wealth Building Tip #1 will give you a gentle framework for creating a budget. The basics are all there. You will want to spend some quiet time thinking about your income and expenses. Tempted to skip this step? NO! Let me talk you off the ledge. This is the MOST important step to planning for wealth. It’s not as onerous as you may think.
Have you completed WBT #1 . . . reaaaallly? ‘Fess up. You MUST do #1 for the rest of the plan to fall into place easy-peasy.
So the question FREQUENTLY comes up, “Is my cubicle mate trying to drive me crazy, or is it just me?”
Okay, so actually most people ask that more like this: “My cubicle neighbor is such an (insert explitive here). He cranks his music up and I can’t concetrate. Should I contact Human Resources?”
WHOA! NO, do not start by contacting HR. First that makes you look like you can’t handle your own business. Second, your fellow cube dweller is 90% of the time simply oblivious. By assuming the worst, you are mentally gearing up for battle. Fine, play world of warcraft at home, but keep your latent hostilities OUT of the office my friend.
I’m not going into the biology of why we tend to assume the worst - survival instincts kicking in, etc. - but suffice to say, you are not being chased by a saber-toothed tiger, so put down that spear. You need to get a good visual to aid you in your cubicle etiquette lessons.
Workplace relationships part 2 provides some insight to the economic consequences of opening up in the office environment. Can being social help you or hurt you? With an ever blurring line between work time and play time, how do you know what is taboo?
Check out workplace relationships - the economic consequences.
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